What happens when your kids throw poop.

I haven't written a blog post in over a year. It feels strange. But I am just going to jump right in, as if no time at all has passed.

We are trying to potty train Helen. It is not working. It started with a timer, some panties and her potty in the kitchen floor. We would exchange diaper for panties, have a chat about staying dry and set the timer for 15 minutes. When the timer dings, we clap our hands excitedly and check for dry panties. If panties are dry, a single M&M is the reward. Then we sit on the potty for 2 minutes, and if we go, two M&Ms is the fantastic reward. It sounds like an unbeatable plan. Alas, it did not work.

The first three times, we did not even earn the first M&M because Helen chose this time to pee 4 times in 45 minutes. The next 15 minute interval, she stays dry. Hooray! An M&M is exchanged, goods for her services. She sits on the potty for two minutes. Oh, I should interject that "sits" is a bit of an overstatement. Bounces on while touching "herself" and then her face is far more accurate. She does not pee. We get off and I set the timer. At this point Helen walks over and just pees (a river, a lake, an ocean) all over the kitchen floor, stomps in it and walks away satisfied. I take this time to change her into a Pull-Up because, let's face it, I do the laundry.

So, it is decided she is not ready to train. We will back up. She goes into the bathroom with me now. We talk about all the wonderful people in the world who go in the potty. I show her that Mommy pee pees in the potty. And then it happens. Crimes against humanity. She looks at my pee, takes two LARGE steps backward, all the while looking at me as if I had killed puppies, and says, "Ewwwwww, Mama," in a very disappointed tone. When she poops, we empty the diaper into the toilet. "This is where poop goes," I say. To which she replies, "Ewwww, Mama." every time she says it, she looks at me with eyes narrowed and a voice that actually makes me feel bad about it. I look at her and say, "Yeah, well you go in your pants!" I justify to my 21-month-old why my pee in the toilet is not gross.

Fast forward to yesterday, and you get to the title of this post. Every parent knows that occasionally while changing a diaper, you get a free agent, a loner, A... rover if you will. A stray piece that unbeknownst to you escapes and rolls away. Generally you find these in the most disgusting ways, but this beats all.

It is ten o'clock on a normal Thursday morning. I sit in the floor changing squirmy Philip from PJ's to normal clothes and in comes Helen, hands hidden behind her back.
"What do you have?" I ask.
"NO!" she replies.
"What is it?"
And at this point she hurls something across the room and it breaks against the hardwoods and sends millions of pieces across the floor. I go to investigate.
"WHAT IS THAT?" I ask incredulously.
"It's poop," she replies and leaves the room.

Yes, it was indeed poop. A dried piece from God Knows Where now broken and flung across my floor. A great deal of time goes into the sweeping and swiffering of poop pieces from my lovely hardwood floors.

This action came from the very child who thinks poop in the potty is gross. However, it is apparently NOT gross to carry it around and then throw it.

We have, in fact, given up the silly notion of potty training until the ripe age of two.