Monday, January 31, 2011

How Sarah Got Her Groove Back

March 21, 2007.

That's the last time I posted on this blog. That's three years, some months, and a number of days ago. Almost four years.

I took the time to reread my previous posts before deciding to write again, and I really must say, I'm quite clever. Witty. Perhaps even winsome. I don't remember writing most of the previous posts, but I did, and they are gooooood. Now, normally, it would seem this should be a source of pride. However, being crazier than most, I didn't pat myself on the back and pick up writing where I left off. I chose, instead, to spend a few days feeling myself. I am intimidated by me. I don't believe this should be possible. In fact, if you look closely, that has the stench of schizophrenia about it. So I needed to take a few moments to center myself about why I felt intimidated by the other, more awesome, Sarah.

Here is a list of reasons why 2007 Sarah had an easier time at awesomeness:

1. 2007 Sarah had only two children.
2. 2007 Sarah lived in Wyoming and never had to wear tank tops that made her arms look fat. Instead she got to bundle up in bulky sweaters. This also led to 2007 Sarah never shaving, and no one knew (or cared).
3. 2007 Sarah didn't live in a ridiculously opulent community, thus she didn't feel as compelled to peek over the fence and check the color of the grass.
4. 2007 Sarah was a Vegan. Okay, this is a stretch for being really awesome, because true greatness involves cheese, but it SOUNDED so much cooler to be Vegan.
5. 2007 Sarah seemed to have a tremendous amount of energy and youth and vitality about her (See Item 1)
6. 2007 Sarah seemed to care less about how others perceived her or her life.
7. 2007 Sarah seemed far more comfortable with her faith.
8. 2007 Sarah had great cheekbones, six pack abs and had recently won both an Oscar and a Newberry Award for Children's Literature. (That's not true, but I want to make sure you're paying attention.)
9. 2007 Sarah spent more time just doing and being what she loved.

Once I made this list (I made it in my head, not on paper because I'm not THAT crazy), I thought that maybe making lists about why you aren't the same person you were four years ago isn't the best way to move forward, but then I thought that you can't move forward if you can't embrace your past, and then I thought about how easy it is to become weighed down by your past and then it anchors you there and you can't really move on and you need to become free of those sort of entanglements....And then my head exploded. Needless to say, I tend to over analyze. So I came to the wicked smart conclusion that there are things about my life in 2011 that I can change, and perhaps even be happier for, and there are things I cannot change and don't really want to. For example, I can just as easily be forthright about my desire to never shave my legs now as I was then. I cannot, however, go back to having two kids (well, I could, but I don't think infanticide is up for debate in my life). I can be comfortable with my faith and talk about it openly (because if you don't like it [pardon me], screw you), but cannot and will not ever stop eating cheese. And I can write about the life I have now, and all the things in it that make me happy and awesome now. Maybe it will not be as clever or witty or winsome as I might like, but, I can make my peace with that.