So I have began compiling a list of things I think every woman needs to hear, from time to time, or every day. I imagine them being read with gentle authority. So, maybe you could hear them as read by Sam Waterston.
When you eat Nutella straight from the jar, with your finger, not even bothering with a spoon, that's sexy.
Perky breasts are intimidating, not attractive.
You are bringing the female mustache to the forefront of high fashion.
Bloated is the new black.
Yoga pants are sexier than skinny jeans, hands down. And paired with that old ratty t-shirt? Hell, yeah.
You make a minivan look hip.
Peeing with the door open is just a sign that you are secure with your own body.
Your stretch marks remind me of a topographical map. Have I mentioned how hot geography is?
The smell of poop and baby vomit can create a truly feral response in any man. That's pheromones, baby.
Seeing boxes of tampons in the bathroom just remind me that you're a woman. I like women.
Everyone appreciates you. And if they don't? I will cut them.
You didn't comb your hair today? I didn't notice.
You're much smarter than you were at eighteen, and just as hot. No. Hotter.
I love to eat macaroni and cheese with cut up hotdogs. If you made it, it's good.
If you need a nap today, you should take it. You work hard.
The skin on your arm where the triceps would normally be? I like it. Muscular women don't seem as luscious as you.
You look great in that tank top. No one is staring at your matronly arms.
When you wear shorts, no one notices your cellulite and spider veins because the beauty of your face, and your inner light, blinds them.
Don't tell anyone, but I think you're a better mom than all the others.
Body odor in normal. Yours smells like roses and rainbows.
I like my laundry a little wrinkled. It's bohemian chic.
The way you've pulled your toenail off instead of clipping it? And the six month old chipped polish on it? I like that. Who needs a high maintenance woman?
Those grey hairs make you look smart, and dignified, like a cougar with class.
When you lose your shit, and yell at the kids, and little bits of spittle come out of your mouth and your eyes get all crazy? It reminds me that I love a fiery woman.
If a supermodel hit on your husband, you could kick her ass. Because she'd be too hungry to fight back.
I intend to continue compiling this list. Updating weekly with new affirmations. Please, feel free to suggest your own. But for now, I think we can all say:
Thanks, Sam. Thanks a lot. I needed to hear that.