Good Things To Know

Here is a list of things I have noticed since becoming a parent:

* I own and wear half as many clothes, but do twice as much laundry.

* I may be the same size I was at eighteen, but nothing looks the same.

* Drinking a beer has once again become a sneaky privilege.

* Going to the gynecologist has now become relaxing alone time.

* Breasts are merely functional, the equivalent of human udders.

* Driving a mini-van just makes good sense.

* Finding anything inside something else is never a surprise. A spoon in the VCR, Care Bears in the fridge, anything in the toilet... Just take it out and put it away. No questions asked.

* Poop, pee, vomit, boogers and sweat are no longer disgusting. Well, as long as these things belong to a member of my family. I'm not exactly inviting strangers in to share these things with me.

* Anything is edible under a thin layer of applesauce or cheese.

* Going to the store with my husband sans kids now sounds like a date.

* 7:30 PM is sometimes a reasonable bedtime.

* 5:30 AM is still never a reasonable hour at which to rise.

* Other people's children are still unbearable, undisciplined and loathsome in public, even if my kid is the one throwing chicken in the floor.

* Sometimes you just can't shower every day...or every week.

* Cleaning up a mess just means someone is making a different mess in another location.

* Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it yourself, even if it is someone else's job.

Things I Have Learned Having a Teenager

* What I wear IS important.

* MySpace time is quiet time.

* Three boyfriends is not an entirely unacceptable number.

* I don't own enough belts.

* I should spike my hair.

* Using the call-waiting is optional unless explicitly told to "click over."

* Most people in authority really ARE out to get you.

* Most of the food I cook doesn't smell good, taste good or "look right."

* Teenagers do not take kindly to organic produce, tofu and turkey burgers and a house without mashed potatoes and gravy.

* There can never be enough hair in the bathtub, on the counter or in my hairbrush.

* Being a mom is great, but man, I'm tired.